Survivor's Guilt

They told me it would be difficult.
Actually no, that's a lie:
they said it would be easy,
next time,
whenever I decided I was sick to death of this life.

"Now that you've crossed that line
and come out alive on the other side
the next time around,
the decision won't be so hard."

Who needs a next time?
I feel bad enough being here
that I might as well already be in Hell
(If I believed in the place.)

Yes, admittedly, I've got pretty much everything
I ever set out to achieve for myself:
I'm a wife, a mom, an author,
but at what cost?

No matter what I do,
people think I'm crazy.
And I can't even blame it on my parents anymore.

It's all me,
trying to make sense of this world,
trying to find sheer bliss
in a world that insists
on constantly bringing me down.

So often,
I wish I hadn't woken up;
especially seeing as though
the reason behind my actions
was because I didn't want to see anyone in pain,
knowing it was at my hands.

Now,
I'm surrounded by hearts that I've hurt,
worlds I've turned upside down,
bills that wrap their fingers around my throat
strangling the hope out of me;

hope that I'll ever learn
how to be happy with what I have,
and how to live with myself
when I decide to tell someone 'no.'

Looking Back

When my heart was shattered apart,
did my words fly away with its fleshy sentiments?
I can't write anymore.
I can feel, but I can't write.
I don't know what to say,
or how to put my thoughts into words.

I'm broken.
I've had plenty of time to heal, though,
that's the thing.
I've been away from his eyes, his smile,
longer than they were mine,
if indeed they ever really were.

What did I see in them, those eyes?
Was I imagining things the whole time?

I remember feeling stuck here,
feeling like I was drowning,
stuck in Houdini's glass tank,
beating my head against the ceiling,
screaming to escape -
but I don't understand why now.

I don't feel that way anymore,
and I can't fathom
what would've made me feel that way to begin with.

Who is right?
Was it the medicine or was it me?

Did I feel trapped by responsibility?
By the life I'd wanted to be mine for so long
I couldn't remember a time I'd dreamed
about being anything but a wife and mother?

I didn't want to just be saying the words once again,
putting everyone through hell again for nothing.
For once, I wanted to follow through
on something that I'd started.
To be determined, focused, strong.
And for a little while, I was.
For a little while, I surfaced.
I took deep, soothing gulps
of fresh, warm air,
and felt the caress of sunlight on my face.

But my reward for this,
for wanting more than what I had,
for not seeing the beauty and love
in the life that I already had,
was to have happiness ripped away from me,
slapped across my face like a wake up call;
a warning not to be foolish again.

I read the signs wrong.
Not surprising -
it's not the first time I mistook
a curse for a blessing,
and didn't recognize a blessing in disguise.

I try so hard, so often,
to understand people.
To understand why I'm here,
what my purpose is.
And every time I think I know the answer,
every time I near the summit,
I'm swept off my feet again.

Maybe one of these days,
I'll remember how to fly.

Katie

No one will ever love you

the way your mother does.

If they do,

I’ll have to remind them

that just because i never had a real mother

doesn’t mean that you don’t.

I doubt anyone will ever recognize

the way you always rise with the sun

(even on Saturday morning)

or how your taste in ‘noms’

varies with the wind.

Will your independence,

your stubbornness

drive them as crazy as it does me?

Will they appreciate

how you become a messier eater

with every year older you get?

No one will ever love you the way your mother does,

but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look

for someone to share your heart with.

For someone who exists in your smile

and dies in pleasure when they look in your eyes.

Deja Vu

I met a little boy today 

who reminded me so much of you;

with his short dark locks 

and parchment skin,

for a moment, 

I thought I'd gone back in time.

In an instant 

I saw the Boy Scout he would become;

it was the instant when 

he came to my little girl's rescue,

chasing down the bully 

who'd stolen her bike.

I wondered if he had a brother 

he'd do anything for,

and if someday, years from now,

he'd come face to face 

with the love of his life.

He walked away 

and went back to his friends,

as if nothing at all unusual had happened,

and I, lost in memory, 

shook the past out of my shoes,

and walked back into the present,

trying not to remember

what it was I wanted so badly to forget.

Symphony in Jealous 'E'

 The lilt of the piano’s song sets my heart aflame,
swelling it with such joy and pleasure as no lover
can dare to accomplish. My fingers stroke the air
before me as if it were those coveted ivories,
and for one brief moment, I am transported back in time.

To a world where dancing and beauty were as essential
as drawing a breath; where writing a letter
was an art form, and love making
was just as powerful for a man
as it was for a woman.

Oh to smell the verdant fields of England, where
Brandon and Dashwood fell in love and
Darcy and Bennet were married.

To feel the caress of Rochester’s lips on mine,
the flames of Thornfield igniting our passion
and lighting our way down the altar as one.

Curse this life for depriving me of my fantasy;
how dare it put me here
in this world of email and eHarmony?

The player stands, and the cover is closed.
With a crash, I am brought back to reality,
as the piano is pushed off the stage.

September 2012

“Disney to make new ‘Star Wars’ films”

These first few words were going to be
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
But I thought it best to put them off
Until a later time.

Have I been asleep too long?
Is today really April Fool’s Day?
Is it really necessary for everyone
To live happily ever after?

Somehow I can’t picture Luke Skywalker in a tiara
Or Leia as the next Disney princess;
Somehow I don’t think she’d be allowed
To wear the outfit that turned everyone on.

Has the Emperor really been asleep,
Waiting for his true love’s kiss?
Is Darth Vader going to float down
Out of the clouds holding an umbrella
And whistling while he whiles away
The hours killing Jedi?

Is Obi Wan going to kiss Yoda
And turn him into a handsome prince?
Are Leia and Han going to give birth
To a defiant redhead who kicks ass?

I can’t wait to see how this one’s going to play out.
All they have in the works right now
Are sequels and prequels; I think they’re burned out.

They’re promising another trilogy
With many more films to come;
One a year I think they said.
What day is the world supposed to end?

October 2012

The Good Old Days

Dedicated to Donald J. Hall and Anthony R.T. Hall

Can’t stop thinking about:
Cake, hot dogs and the Chili Peppers;
Parties that lasted through too-short weekends
And live on in our memories;
Dancing like fools in bars
Because none of us cared what we looked like –
We only cared about how the music
Moved us.

Can’t stop thinking about:
What it felt like to have a real family:
A brother and sister who loved me,
And a mother who actually cared;
That long car ride home
From a place I never
Should have left for in the first place.

Can’t stop thinking about:
Driving 90 miles an hour down the interstate
So we could fly even faster through rapids
That made our hearts pound
And our adrenaline rush.

Can’t stop thinking about
The good old days,
And how, without you,
They’re definitely done.

July 27, 2012